


Slip of the Tongue

by starfish_pond



Category: Hikaru no Go
Genre: Blossoming relationship, Discoveries, First Time, Kissing, M/M, Oral Sex, finding out Shindou's gay, new feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-08
Updated: 2016-01-08
Packaged: 2018-05-12 14:07:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5668750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starfish_pond/pseuds/starfish_pond
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Waya lets slip that Shindou might be gay, Touya Akira can't get the thought out of his head, obsessing over the news and finally facing certain long-buried feelings of his own in return...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Slip of the Tongue

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. Enjoy!

It was amazing really how things changed in the span of a week. Or with the tiniest little sentence.

Just last Friday, Touya Akira had been standing in the very same spot as he was now, putting away the Go board from his last match of the day. 

Waya and Shindou had been helping across the room after finishing a practice match. The two were relaxed and joking around despite the intensity of the game. Their friendship was relaxed and energetic, something that on occasion made Touya jealous. Tonight, as always, they were full of smiles as they joked around.

“You sure you don’t want to come?” Waya nagged. Shindou moved one of the small tables to the side of the room before turning back to face his friend.

“C’mon Waya, you know why. What the hell am I going to do at a goukon?”

A group date. Touya had seldomly seen Shindou around girls, but suspected he’d be popular. He was tall, outgoing, and incredibly friendly. Over the years he’d known him, his face had matured and his shoulders had broadened. He had an athletic build, and his face was… appealing. Why wouldn’t he want to go?

“A goukon equals a group. Lots of girls, and guys. You might find one you like, you never know. Just because you’re gay doesn’t mean you can’t meet someone there.”

At those words, Touya’s hand slipped when he went to pick up the Go stones in front of him, instead scattering them across the floor with a loud clatter. 

With those simple words, everything changed.

Waya cringed and let out a murmured ‘oops’ as Shindou glared at him. Touya bent down to pick up the pieces, apologizing as he went and hoping he could just vanish out of the room entirely. Shindou came over and knelt in front of him as he helped him pick up the pieces one by one.

For a moment, they were silent. It wasn’t that Touya had a problem with gays. He’d never really thought about it, but he liked to think he had an open mind.

But this was Shindou. He’d known him practically his whole life, and seen him grow. He’d played side by side with him, and he knew everything about him. Or he’d thought he did. How could he have hidden something like that? More importantly, why did it matter?

He knew Shindou shared things with Waya that he didn’t think he could talk about with Touya. Though it made Touya jealous, he understood it. But somehow this was too much to process. The fact that Waya knew and he didn’t, hurt.

He froze when Shindou’s hand accidentally brushed his. Shindou panicked and pulled back, cowering as though he expected Touya to yell at him. 

“Look, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for you to hear that…”

“-Is it true?”

He tried to keep his voice level, but it came out sounding like an accusation. Shindou’s shoulders were bowed as he answered.

“It’s true.”

“How do you know?”

Again, the words were rough and angry. Touya had once thought he might be gay himself, in the past when he’d realized his only close relationship with anyone had been Shindou, and he’d found himself missing the boy every time they weren’t together. But it couldn’t be, they were both men and it was wrong. Wasn’t it? Besides, he hadn’t spent enough time around girls to know.

“I know.” This time, Shindou’s tone was full of conviction, and serious in the way Shindou seldomly ever was. His eyes were piercing, so strong Touya had to look away, back down to the floor.

The silence resumed as they finished tidying up. Waya excused himself with another apology and the two were left alone in the afternoon sun as they tidied the rest of the room. 

“I tried dating a girl, once.”

Shindou broke the silence, his voice resonating in the empty room. Touya turned to him, but Shindou’s back was to him as he tidied another board. So he simply listened.

“It didn’t work out. And then, I thought of this guy and…. I just knew.”

Touya didn’t know what to say. He had no experience whatsoever with relationships. So he said nothing.

“I told Waya first, and he freaked out. That was why, you remember two months ago at the Go school party, he kept avoiding me and never showed up for our match?”

“I remember.”

“He didn’t seem to know what to make of it. But he came around. He told me he didn’t have a problem with it, so long as I never asked him out.”

Touya looked over at Shindou again, but his back was still to him. Touya struggled to process the news in his mind and as he did, he found himself going over everything he knew about Shindou. How had he not known? And what did it mean?

Shindou turned to face him with a shy but resolute expression, and for a moment, Touya could only stare. Shindou’s familiar shoulders were broad and masculine. The soft, childish curve of his face had sharpened as he’d grown older. Why had he never noticed that before?

The same hesitant feelings he’d struggled with in the past fought to rise within his chest, but he tamped them down. 

“Does it bother you?”

Shindou faced him as he spoke, his dark eyes never leaving Touya’s. There was something powerful in that gaze, and it felt like Touya was seeing his friend, grown up for the first time and as he’d never seen him before.

It couldn’t be possible.

Touya couldn’t seem to find any words, and after a moment, Shindou broke away and turned back to the pillows he was putting away.

“It’s okay, I understand if it does. If you want, we can cancel tomorrow’s practice. I--”

“—No. It’s fine. I don’t mind.”

Shindou paused, then turned back slowly to study him. Touya busied himself with his corner of the room, taking his time putting the final pieces away so he didn’t have to face his friend. 

“Thanks.”

“How long have you known?”

Shindou ran a hand through his messy blonde bangs, peering at him as he finished his side of the room.

“Well, about half a year now, for sure.”

“How?”

“Well,” this time, his voice was sheepish and he couldn’t prevent a blush from rising in his cheeks, “I kindof like someone.”

The words hit Touya in the stomach, again nearly causing him to drop the chair he held. Shindou was in love. With a man. Why did that news cause such a visceral reaction in him?

“You are… dating?” He could barely get the words out, but he felt compelled to know. 

“No, not really. I don’t think it can ever work out. But it’s fine.”

His tone was casual, but Touya could detect the faint hurt underneath it. Shindou had been someone Touya had always underestimated right from the beginning, and it appeared he’d done so again. 

Shindou always seemed so relaxed and cheerful, but underneath all that, there was a core of strength, and loneliness. There was so much depth to him Touya would never stop being fascinated by him. 

It was that feeling, he’d told himself, that he’d mistaken for love. Fascination, and awe.

He wasn’t feeling either now. The shock had dissipated and been replaced instead with a horrible need to know who this man was that was in Shindou’s heart. He hated not knowing something about him. It felt unfair, when Shindou knew him better than anyone else on the planet including his family, that he should keep secrets from him.

It hurt more than he wanted to admit.

He pulled up beside the door as they surveyed their handiwork. Shindou picked up his bag, all ready to leave. Touya didn’t want to, because leaving the room meant dropping the subject, and thousands of questions were flooding his mind. But he didn’t dare ask any of them.

“So you’re still okay then, for tomorrow?”

“Wha-oh. Yes. Two o’clock.” Their regular Saturday practice time. 

Before Touya could work up the courage to say anything else, Shindou took off.

And that night, as Touya lay in bed trying to shut away his thoughts and fall asleep, familiar feelings resurfaced that he’d never put a name to.

 

The next morning was warm and bright, heralding the approaching summer weather, but Touya's feelings were anything but light. His sleep had been sporadic, broken up by questions and perverted visions of Shindou with a man that he couldn't seem to get out of his head. There had to be something wrong with him.

He'd imagined how Shindou's lips would look as he kissed the nameless, featureless man from his dreams, or what he'd look like wrapped in an embrace. His thoughts started out innocently enough at first, but then they shifted, and the man he was with was no longer featureless and nameless. Sometimes, it was Waya kissing him, and a visceral reaction would make him so jealous he awoke violently in anger.

Other times, it was Touya himself, and that was when the dreams became truly depraved. He'd woken in the early hours of the morning hard and aching because his mind had wondered what it would feel like if Shindou kissed him. It had started with a simple, light kiss, but he hadn't been able to control where the dreams led, and he'd followed as Shindou had stripped him and his lips had graced another, more desperate part of his anatomy...

When he woke, he felt awash with sweat, guilt, and shame. Somehow, Shindou's casual words had set his mind whirling, and all the thoughts he'd refused to ever even allow himself to contemplate had come pouring out. 

He'd lain in his bed, staring at the ceiling and struggling to calm his breathing as he tried to ignore his erection that wouldn't go away. When he closed his eyes, he saw Shindou. When he was awake, the thoughts replayed through his mind.

Eventually, drowning in shame and despair, he'd taken his erection in hand and brought himself to release with thoughts of Shindou's mouth pleasuring him. 

It was vile and depraved. He felt hot, and ill.

The lust dissipated, and anger took its place. It was Shindou's fault, for putting thoughts like that in his mind, thoughts he would never have allowed himself to contemplate otherwise. It wasn't Touya's fault he couldn't stop thinking and imagining what it would be like to date a man, to take pleasure with a man.

But whenever he thought of sharing his pleasure, he saw only Shindou.

Could he be in love with Shindou? Was he gay? Had he been wrong before? He tried to imagine himself with other men, but they all repulsed him. He didn't know enough young girls to think about dating them. 

Everything in his mind seemed to revolve around Shindou.

Which caused more thoughts to plague his mind. Shindou was in love. With another man.

He'd dared to talk about the subject and awaken feelings inside Touya that he'd fought hard to repress at every turn. And it was all for nothing. Who was he in love with? Who did he want to share himself with?

He wavered between anger and lust throughout the night, until the sun peeked through the curtains and he decided to give up any pretense of rest.

When he arrived at the club, Shindou was his usual, bubbly self, seemingly recovered from the revelations of the day before. It made Touya grumpier. How could be go on so casually, after what he'd said?

It changed everything.

They'd begun a practice match, and Touya felt himself slipping. He couldn't seem to maintain his usual focus, and Shindou was astute enough to notice. 

"You look hot, can I get you some juice?"

Shindou leaned over with his arm out reaching toward Touya's face, no doubt to check his temperature. Touya recoiled before he could touch him and grumbled a yes. Shindou looked puzzled but didn't comment as he got up to get a drink.

He didn't think he could handle Shindou touching him right now. He felt dirty, flushed and confused. Shindou acting normal wasn't helping.

As they'd played, Touya's thoughts had wandered up to the little crease of a frown at Shindou's brow as he focused, to the curve of his lips as he pondered his next move.

Looking at those lips brought back memories of his turbulent night, and a light sheen of sweat covered him as he felt the faint, familiar arousal resurfacing. How in the span of a day had he lost control of his own body?

He had to be gay. Shindou was making him gay, with his words, and his lips, and his long, masculine fingers stretching across the Go board.

Shindou came back, juice in hand, and placed it in front of Touya before taking his place in front of him.

"You sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine."

He wasn't. Shindou looked worried, so he quickly took a gulp of the juice and returned his focus to the board. He grabbed a stone and placed it without thinking, then took another gulp of juice.

"Okay, now I know something's really wrong. You would never do that move."

Shindou reached out again, quickly enough this time that his palm landed on Touya's brow before he could react.

He froze, panicked and flushed, as Shindou studied him.

"You really feel like you might have a fever. Your face is really red--"

At those words, Touya violently flung his hand away. He'd liked the heat of Shindou's hand against his skin too much, and having Shindou point it out was humiliating.

"Don't touch me."

He'd said it to save himself, but as soon as the words left his mouth, he regretted it. Shindou's concerned expression changed to one of shame and he backed away.

"Sorry."

Shindou withdrew and the hurt on his face made Touya cringe, but he didn't know how to fix it. He only knew he couldn't bear that expression.

"It's not what you think."

Shindou's smile was painfully sad when he spoke: "Oh? What is it then?"

Touya was a horrible liar. He struggled to think of something, hoping Shindou wouldn't see through it but knowing he probably would. He couldn't tell him the real reason why, so he settled for half-truths in the hope Shindou would believe him.

"I am sick. I didn't sleep well last night, and I'm not feeling great. I don't want you to catch it."

Shindou perked up somewhat at his statement, which told him it had worked. At least he didn't have to fake looking sick.

"I thought so. You should have said something. You need to go home and rest instead of pushing yourself like this."

Shindou began putting away their failed game, and Touya didn't stop him. He didn't know what he wanted, to continue spending time around Shindou with his horrible, shameful secret tearing him up, or to avoid him and hurt him, and miss him as he fought to tamp down his emotions until he had everything under control.

The latter would be the more reasonable of the two. He needed to get himself back under control, and that didn't seem likely to happen as long as he stayed around Shindou.

"I'll walk you home."

On most weekend afternoons, they walked together back to his place, occasionally stopping for a drink or snack on the way back as they discussed their game. He'd never thought twice about it. Now, he began to realize how much of Shindou's time he monopolized, and what it might look like to others. 

"It's okay, I can take myself."

"You're sick, so I'm coming with you just in case."

Shindou often worried about him, living alone as he did with no one to take care of him. While it was lonely, Touya appreciated the solitude, though he always fervently looked forward to the afternoons when Shindou would drop by to play. 

Touya gathered his bag and went to pick it up when Shindou pulled it out of his grip and swung it on his own shoulder.

Touya wanted to protest, but Shindou had already stepped out into the street and started the trek back. He was a force of nature sometimes, stepping in and shaking everything up by doing things his own way, oblivious to the effect he had on others.

Touya took large steps to keep up with him as Shindou hurried down the street toward Touya's home. When they got through the crowds, he slowed and the two walked leisurely side by side. At all times, Touya was highly aware of how close Shindou was to him. 

"You push yourself too much."

He wanted to protest, but he didn't have the energy. Deep inside him, he was selfishly possessive of Shindou's worry over him. Whoever this man was that Shindou loved, at this moment didn't matter. He had Shindou all to himself, focused on him.

If they'd been a regular couple walking home together, they would have looked like they were on a date.

The thought caught him by surprise and nearly caused Touya to trip up.

He couldn't think of anything to say so they returned to his house in silence. When they reached his front door, Shindou pushed it open and ran up to his room to deposit his bag. Again, he was reminded of how very well Shindou knew him. He knew just where he put his things when he came home. He knew what drinks he liked. 

Was he really in love with Shindou? Was it possible?

"Do you want something to drink? Medicine?" Shindou ushered him upstairs to his room and helped him climb into bed. Touya flushed as memories of what he'd recently done there flooded his mind. Shindou, the object of his latest fantasy, was sitting on the edge of his bed, his hand at Touya's brow once again, and his skin radiated warmth.

Shame and arousal again battled for dominance as he lay there savoring his friend's touch. He was so depraved and vile. He had no right to think of him in that way, and yet he couldn't control the thoughts that were taking him over.

"Why don't you try sleeping for a bit, and I'll be back to check on you later?"

Touya could do nothing but nod and he feigned sleep, lying semi-aroused under the covers with his eyes closed until he heard Shindou leave. In the total silence that followed, he took a deep breath that broke into a sob.

 

As it turned out, his feigned illness had been the perfect excuse not to see Shindou for the next couple of days. Of course, he’d stopped by his house occasionally to check on him, but otherwise left him to himself to recover, for which Touya was incredibly grateful. Any time it looked like Shindou wanted to stay, Touya would feign sleep until he left. 

Sometimes, it took longer than others. Sometimes, Touya actually did fall asleep, and then he couldn’t say how long Shindou had stayed. And one time, when he’d held his eyes closed and his body still but been perfectly awake, Shindou had sat beside him on the bed, and stroked a hand down the side of his face. It had been heaven.

No matter when Shindou came over though, he’d always be gone by the time Touya woke up. He’d find fast food or a reheated meal sitting beside his bed. It nearly brought him to tears.

He’d never been well cared for before when he was sick. His mother was busy too often, and the house was too empty. As a child, he’d occasionally had a nurse who looked in on him, but she hadn’t been very open or caring.

Now, he’d missed several practice matches, which was probably for the best since he couldn’t focus on anything but Shindou and would have played horribly. He was behind in his training, a feeling that left him antsy, but more than that, he was afraid.

His time away had allowed him to accept the fact that yes, he was in love with Shindou. He'd wondered it, dismissed it and denied it before, but the last few days had brought everything into sharp focus. And with the clarity that followed, Touya had become apprehensive.

He was in love with Shindou. Who was in love with someone else. How was one supposed to act in that situation?

He couldn’t avoid the club forever.

He’d simply have to get used to it.

Tomorrow after a few matches, Waya and Shindou were gathering a small group to celebrate Waya’s birthday. Shindou had pestered him until he’d agreed to go, so he’d show up to that, and see how it went. He’d take it little by little.

It was time to get over it.

 

By the time Touya made it to the club, all the matches had finished. Several patrons greeted him and asked after his health. After several awkward reassurances that he was fine, and feeling guiltier than ever for missing so many days of practice, he made it into the club.

Shindou and Waya were already there, moving the tables out of the way and bringing in drinks.

The owner had been gracious enough to let them celebrate here after hours so long as they made sure to tidy up. It was the perfect location for them to gather at, and Isumi and several of Waya’s friends Touya didn’t recognize began to flock into the small parlor as 6 o’clock rolled around.

When Shindou caught sight of Touya, he hurried over with a big smile. “I wasn’t sure you’d come.”

“You made me promise.” Touya glared, but Shindou didn’t take it to heart. He grabbed Touya’s arm with a casualness Touya envied, and dragged him closer to the center of the room near Waya. Touya suddenly felt guilty for not bringing a gift. He’d been so tense about coming and seeing Shindou that he hadn’t spared a thought to the birthday celebration.

Waya was turning 18, and one of his older friends had managed to sneak a few beers in to their evening celebration. Apparently they were eager to get started, as Waya grabbed one and popped it open. He offered Touya one but he politely declined. He wasn’t one for alcohol, and he was a terrible lightweight. He’d drunk barely half a glass one time and it had been enough to make him nauseous and nearly pass out. Shindou had helped him get home and looked after him like a mother hen that evening, watching over him until the early hours of the morning. He’d eventually fallen asleep on the floor beside him.

Thinking back on it wasn’t as unpleasant if he focused on his friend taking care of him. Shindou was so blunt, spontaneous and willful, but he had a big heart and he gave out affection so easily. How easy he made it all seem. So why wasn’t he dating the person he loved? Someone as expressive and open as Shindou deserved to let it all out with the person he cared about. Even if the thought sent an unwanted pang to Touya’s heart.

“I didn’t bring a gift.”

It might not have been the right thing to say, but it was the only thing he could think of, and it made Shindou laugh. Sometimes, he really didn’t understand him.

“That’s okay, you’re supposed to just relax and have fun. Here.” He held out a pineapple juice can, just the flavor Shindou knew he liked. “I figured you wouldn’t want any of that other stuff.”

“Thanks.”

“Whatsa matter Shindou, too worried you can’t keep up?!” Waya shouted across the room, having already started in on the beers. He’d evidently thought Shindou had taken the juice for himself. Shindou stepped across the room to face his friend in mock anger.

“Bring it on, Mr. can’t-hold-your-liquor.” Shindou stole the beer can out of Waya’s hand and took a big gulp before handing it back.

“It was just that one time and you know it,” Waya protested as he took another sip.

“Only because I stopped you.”

“Whatever.”

Shindou tried to snatch the can away again but Waya protested, resulting in the two getting into a scuffle with Shindou nearly falling on top of him before proving victorious and emerging with the can to take a final swig.

“You feeling okay? Shindou told us you’ve been ill.” Isumi came up beside Touya, drawing his attention away from the two. He took a sip of his juice to calm his nerves before looking over at Isumi. He’d caught him staring, and he only hoped Isumi hadn’t noticed.

“I’m fine now. I think it was the flu.”

He didn’t have to try as hard to lie with the others. No one else really knew him like Shindou did, so they took him at his word.

Isumi filled him in on the latest games of the week, and when they’d gotten through that, went on with idle chit chat before giving up and talking to someone else.

Touya wasn’t very responsive, as every ounce of his focus was presently directed at the blonde in the room who wouldn’t stop flirting with the birthday boy. A horrible thought crossed his mind as he watched the two of them together. Shindou had said Waya had acted very strange when he’d confessed his orientation to him, and avoided him. Was it because he’d confessed more than that? Was Waya the person Shindou was in love with?

It would explain why Shindou had said nothing was possible—he’d told Touya that Waya had made him promise not to ask him out. He clearly thought it wasn’t possible. So why was he being so physically familiar with him? Shindou was practically leaning on him as Waya told a joke, and their faces were barely inches away from each other. When Waya laughed loudly at one of his friend’s comments, he placed an arm around his shoulder. And the two had opened another can of beer and been sharing it between them, not caring that their lips drank from the same place.

Touya didn’t realize he was staring at them until Shindou’s eyes happened to catch his. Immediately he recoiled and looked away, but it had been enough to catch the man’s attention. Before Touya could think of what to do, Shindou had gotten up and moved over to stand beside Touya.

He leaned against the wall beside him and ruffled a hand through his hair as was his habit. “Sorry, you probably think this is pretty boring, huh?”

Touya glared rather than state the obvious. But it was all a lie. For the first time, he wasn’t bored at all spending time with Shindou’s friends. He was confused, angry, hurt, jealous, and needy all at once.

“Hey, I really appreciate you coming. Especially since you’ve been sick and all… thanks.” His tone was sincere and serious, making his voice deeper than usual. What was it about him that was so attractive? He couldn’t pinpoint it, just as he couldn’t prevent a pleasurable thrill from traveling up his spine at the feel of Shindou’s warmth so near.

“If you want, we can leave early. I’ll take you home. You need your rest.”

Shindou had folded on his side so he was focused on Touya, with his right shoulder leaning up against the wall. “What do you think?”

Touya didn’t have the time to answer before a half-drunk Waya headed their way.

“Shindou, you’re behind!” He pushed a beer can against Shindou’s chest, then as he backed away, practically tripped over himself. Shindou reached out to steady him and ended up with Waya completely losing his balance and sinking into Shindou’s arms. It had been purely accidental, but a spike of pure want mingled with envy in Touya until he wasn’t sure he could take it any longer. His neck felt hot, and he wanted to get out of the cramped room.

Waya grumbled as Shindou helped him to stand, mocking him for his clumsiness. How could Shindou take his own feelings so lightly and act so casual? How could Touya ever go back to normal with these horrid, unfair feelings?

He looked back at Shindou, who was trying to pry another beer can from his friend’s fingers, and let out a bitter laugh as he watched the two of them. Touya had always been in control, keeping everything carefully in check, and Shindou had wrecked it all. Worst of all, he’d never realize it. Touya could never let him.

A week, evidently, wasn’t enough to move beyond it. He couldn’t tolerate watching the two of them any longer, so without looking back he threw the juice away and slipped outside into the empty parking lot. Immediately, the cold, night air felt calming on his face. The prickling, sharp feeling of cold helped to balance the pain inside of him. 

“Touya!”

Shindou had followed him. Unable to decide how to face him and explain the situation, Touya settled instead for trying to push him away.

“Go back to your party, I’m fine. I just need some air. I’ll head home and back to bed.”

“Wait, Touya. Are you okay? I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked you to come. Let me walk you back.”

“NO.” The words were more forceful than he intended, and he lowered his voice as he continued: “I’m fine, really. You should go back inside. It’ll be more fun without me.”

“No it won’t.”

Touya stopped in his tracks, which allowed Shindou to catch up with him. Didn’t he understand that Touya couldn’t face him? He didn’t want to have to say the words, but the reality of their situation was eating him up inside.

Whoever had said that love was worth it was a fool.

Shindou stood incredibly close to him again as he spoke. “Let me take you home. I want to make sure you’re okay.”

“I’m sure you’ll have more fun in there with me gone. Isn’t that what you want?”

“No. What is going on with you? Why do you keep saying that?”

“Because I know it’s true. Admit it. You like Waya!”

The words were full of anger and hurt that he hoped Shindou hadn’t picked up on. Shindou looked shocked before his expression turned to one of puzzlement.

“What? No I don’t! What makes you think that?”

“Don’t lie. I may not notice things, but that much is obvious.”

“No it’s not, because I don’t like him!”

“Then who?! Who is it?”

Their voices had raised until they were practically yelling at each other, and with their emotions heightened, Touya couldn’t prevent himself from asking the question that burned foremost in his mind.

“I told you, it doesn’t matter because nothing can come of it.”

“Because it’s Waya!”

“No, you idiot! Because it’s you!”

Touya froze for a long moment as Shindou’s words took precious seconds to filter through his mind and allow him to comprehend his statement. Shindou noticed his mistake right away, and looked pained before he turned away from him.

“Look, let’s just pretend I didn’t just say that, and everything can just--”

“-You’re…. in love with me.” Touya knew his expression was still one of shock, though tiny pleasurable tendrils had begun running up and down along his arms. Shindou shrugged his shoulders before turning back to him with a dejected expression.

“Let’s just forget everything about tonight, how about that?”

“No.”

“No?”

When Touya finally broke out of his shock, he flicked Shindou in the shoulder hard enough to make him cringe.

“Ow! What the hell was that for?”

“Are you an idiot?”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“Impossible, why? Because you think I don’t like gays? Because you thin--”

“Woah.” It was Shindou’s turn to look shell-shocked. “Are you saying what I think you’re saying?”

“Well, since I apparently am terrible at figuring out what you really think, I highly doubt it.”

A strange sort of pleasurable tension seemed to be building between them, and Shindou took a step closer to him until his face was mere inches away from Touya’s when he spoke.

“Touya Akira, would you go out with me?” Shindou’s voice was so low and rich it traveled through Touya down to his toes. He was transfixed by his eyes, unable to look away as Shindou waited for an answer.

Panic lit through Touya as he realized with this next step he would be entering into completely new territory. The thought scared him, and he wasn’t sure he was ready for it. He had to find some way to be sure it was what he wanted. With a deep breath, he thought of an option.

“Kiss me.”

The surprise in Shindou’s face was quickly replaced by determination as his hands lifted to cup either side of Touya’s face. His grip was gentle, but firm and his hands were large and warm as they lifted his face up closer to him. Arousal and apprehension battled inside of him as their lips began to touch, but then Shindou’s lips were moving, warm and wet against his own, and he couldn’t think any more. He could only feel.

Shindou’s lips were hot and seductive, and they caressed Touya’s mouth before his tongue carefully pried his lips open and slipped the tip inside Touya’s mouth. The action was so unexpected that it made Touya jump and a jolt of white-hot lust traveled up his spine as Shindou’s tongue found his and tangled with it.

God, it felt too good to be real. Before he knew it, he’d given himself up to it until there was no going back. They kissed each other wildly, and Touya’s hands wrapped around Shindou’s waist to cling to him as their tongues battled with each other. None of it was enough, and when Shindou pulled away carefully, Touya had to clear his throat to cover up the beginning of a moan.

Well, there was his answer.

When they broke apart, Shindou’s breathing was labored as though he’d run for miles. At least Touya hadn’t been the only one affected.

“So I can take that as a yes?”

Shindou’s expression was lit up with excitement, and it was proving to be contagious. Touya had to work to repress a smile as he spoke.

“Idiot.”

“No, really, I want to hear the words, Touya--”

“—Yes, I’ll go out with you.” He mumbled them quietly, but Shindou still heard them clearly enough to let out a loud whoop and pick Touya up by the waist and swing him around. The motion was so unexpected he didn’t have time to protest. When he’d realized how close he was to him, and how nice it felt, he no longer had the heart to.

Shindou’s face was right beside his, so close he felt his breath on his face when he spoke again: “Is it alright if I kiss you again?”

“Yes.” It felt embarrassing to be admitting to everything he felt, so he was glad to close his eyes and let Shindou kiss him again. This time, he dove straight in eagerly, locking lips with him as they wrapped their arms around each other. And as their kiss became hot and drawn-out, a mixture of delight and fear blossomed in Touya as he felt evidence of Shindou’s rising erection against his hip.

Shindou pulled away quickly after the kiss, seeming embarrassed also, though the flush on his cheeks and his half-lidded eyes were dead giveaways.

“If you aren’t feeling well, I really should walk you home. Let me tell the others we’re leaving and I’ll be right back.”

Touya only just stopped himself from correcting Shindou, admitting that he’d never been sick at all, when he saw the mischievous look in Shindou’s eyes. Relief and excitement lit through him. The stupid party and Waya were all but forgotten. As of now, Touya was going out with Shindou. 

Going out with Shindou.

Such a revelation, and yet, somehow, it felt right. His whole world was already centered around him, after all. This simply felt like the natural progression of their relationship. His shoulders felt lighter, the tight bundle of nerves that had tangled in his stomach all week long seemed to untangle itself, little by little.

Standing alone on the sidewalk waiting for Shindou, still semi-dazed from the overwhelming feelings their kiss had awoken, he felt a strange giddiness bubbling up inside him. And then it hit him. Shindou, his boyfriend for all of two whole minutes, was going home with him, back to his empty house with his _bed_ and his _thoughts_ and everything new that was between them. What would he expect? What would he do?

What did Touya want to do?

A new, different type of tension seemed to fill him, occupying the space made vacant from the worries that had vanished moments earlier. His hands, usually so still and calm even in the heat of an intense game of go, shook ever so slightly.

Did he want Shindou to kiss him again? The heat and the electric tingle along his skin said yes. But what else would Shindou want? What did their new relationship mean? Would things change between them? 

He hadn’t thought it all through.

Desperately working to untangle a new, wild buzz of thoughts in his mind, he missed Shindou’s return until the boy tapped him on the shoulder. Touya nearly jumped out of his skin, heartbeat pounding. It calmed only slightly at the sight of Shindou’s eyes, so expressive and mischievous. He had the same look he wore when he knew he’d just pulled off a win in a match, locked his pieces into the perfect spots to guarantee a win.

Too late to turn back.

“Ready to go?”

Touya took a deep breath. Then nodded.

The walk back through the city streets to his house was surprisingly uneventful, much the same as his walk to the party had been. Touya’s heartbeat gradually resumed its normal pace, his nerves easing slightly with every companionable step he took beside Shindou.

The world wasn’t falling apart around them. People weren’t gaping at them, perfectly oblivious to the incredible development that had just taken place between them. They walked in silence, but it wasn’t unpleasant.

The two had spent so long as rivals, so completely wrapped up in each other and the push and pull of their relationship, that the tension between them felt familiar. 

“Did you get enough to eat today? Do you want to stop for ramen?”

Touya walked behind Shindou, nearly coming up short at his casual question. What was Shindou playing at? What did he mean by that?

When they went a full block without a word, Shindou stopped short, nearly causing Touya to run into him. He turned and faced him with a bemused look.

“Hello. Touya? Are you feeling okay, really? Did you want to get some food?”

He tilted his head, looking at Touya quizzically, trying to puzzle him out. Everything about the expression was so familiar, yet somehow Touya was confused. What did one do when they started dating someone? 

“Touya.” His voice was lower and this close, Shindou’s ridiculous hair hung over one side of his face in a way that shouldn’t have been attractive and yet somehow it was. His voice was full of concern. “Are you okay? You’re not… freaking out, are you? About…”

“No.”

Shindou raised an eyebrow, clearly disbelieving. Frustration flared up inside Touya. Shindou was challenging him and Touya never backed down when it came to his eternal rival. If Shindou could be casual and normal, so could he.

“Don’t be an idiot. I wouldn’t have said yes if I didn’t want to.”

Shindou grinned then, a smug, satisfied smile so handsome it made Touya’s toes curl. He glanced away sharply. 

“Alright.”

“Alright what?” Shindou took a step closer to him then, looking at him like he was concerned for his state of mind. Touya was torn between wanting to push him away and wanting to yank him closer and kiss him. He felt warmth rising again.

“Let’s get some food.”

“Okay. I know a great place around here.”

Shindou leaned forward, and Touya’s nerves took hold of him again. Before he realized what he was doing, he'd leaned sharply back out of his reach. But Shindou didn’t seem to notice. He leaned forward, took Touya’s hand in his, and led him off down a side street to a little ramen shop.

They’d made it all the way to the shop and the booths at the ramen stand before Touya’s brain had fully processed that he was holding hands with Shindou. Shindou didn’t let go until they sat down and picked up a menu. His hand was still warm. He could still feel Shindou’s touch on his skin.

He couldn’t muster up the energy to care that they were yet again eating ramen, his least favorite meal. He was out at a restaurant with Shindou, they’d been holding hands, and they were now dating.

This was a date.

The flush crept back into his cheeks at that thought. Luckily, it didn’t take long to get the steaming bowls of ramen they ordered. Touya leaned over it and tried to focus on his food as he fought to make the blush go away. Then he looked over at Shindou, the same smile, the same ruffled, bleached hairstyle, and despite his nervousness, a sense of calm went through him. Picking up his spoon, he dug in.

Between bites, Shindou filled him in on everything he’d missed at the go salon when he’d been out sick. And just like that, they slipped into something familiar. Touya lost himself in his recounting of the more interesting games he’d played, and the ramen here did actually taste pretty good.

When they finished their meal, Shindou chewed on his lower lip, a worried frown on his face. And just like that, Touya’s emotions wobbled over from safe to uncharted waters as the heated kiss from earlier replayed in his mind. Before Touya got the courage to ask why he looked so worried, the server came around with the bill. Very deliberately, without looking at Touya, Shindou picked up both bills, folded Touya’s up with his and paid the both of them.

The heat crept back up his neck. It wasn’t the first time one of them had bought the other a meal, but as they often did, they tended to fight about it, or make it a stake in one of their practice games. Outside of a losing game or a promise to pay them back later, they’d never outright bought a meal for the other, no strings attached.

Were there strings? How did dating work?

Touya had paid so little attention to it before now. Along with embarrassment at his lack of knowledge came frustration. Shindou knew how this worked. He’d confessed he’d even dated a girl once. His gut twisted at that thought.

Had he bought her a meal too? What had he done after?

Still, raised the way he was, there was only one thing Touya could do now. “Thank you Shindou.”

Shindou shrugged, looking slightly uncomfortable and yet pleased with himself. It was a strange look on him.

“We should get you back. You need your rest.”

Touya’s discomfort deepened as he thought over the last week. Shindou had really worried about him and thought he’d been ill. Touya always preferred honesty and being direct, but how to tell him he’d been agonizing over him and lusting after him so much he hadn’t been able to face him?

A conversation for another time, perhaps.

Shindou didn’t try to take his hand again as they walked side by side back to his home. Despite their detour, the club was close enough that they were standing in front of Touya’s doorway in less than half an hour.

Touya entered, stepping aside. Shindou barreled in the same way he always did, straight ahead, seemingly oblivious to the world around him. He paused halfway to the kitchen to study Touya.

“Sorry, I didn’t ask if you needed any medicine? Are you really feeling better? Want me to make you some tea?”

Shindou’s scrutiny woke up all the twisted and tangling emotions inside of him he’d been able to push aside until now, feelings that had been bubbling just beneath the surface ever since their shared kisses.

“Tea would be nice.” Anything to put distance between them. Touya drew in a long, slow breath as he looked around his living room. When did his house become so small and cramped?

“I’ll bring it up to your room, just give me a sec.”

Shindou slipped into the kitchen, such a regular fixture in his home that he knew where everything was and helped himself to whatever he needed. Rather than become irritated with that, Touya had always found it endearing. It made his solitary space feel more lived in, more alive and comfortable.

It was getting late. Touya headed up to his room, not out of any exhaustion but rather a buzzing sense of excitement and apprehension that only seemed to grow the closer they were in this private space.

He should tell Shindou to go home, meet up with him tomorrow when he was more awake and refreshed and had time to process the change between them. Yet he felt possessive of Shindou’s attention. He’d been jealous of Waya before. Now that he knew Shindou had feelings for him, that feeling should have eased. Instead, he felt inexplicably even more possessive of his attention and his time. He didn’t want to let him go.

It was all too much at once, and yet not enough.

Minutes later, Shindou slipped into Touya’s bedroom carrying a small tray with two cups of tea. The image was so domestic, next to Shindou dressed in modern, trendy clothing with his hair all messy, it made Touya’s lips quirk into a warm smile.

Shindou noticed. He put the tray down, then rubbed the back of his neck with one hand, the way he did when he was nervous or frustrated. But he was smiling at Touya.

“I’ll let you rest, don’t worry. I just want to keep an eye on you until you fall asleep.”

He’d done that several times before in the last week when he’d looked after what he’d thought had been a sick Touya, and yet now it felt more intimate. Touya’s stomach did an odd little flip as the warmth inside him grew. He sat down and picked up a cup of tea. Shindou followed.

After a handful of furtive glances from the both of them, they settled back on the comfortable topic of go, going over the matches Shindou had lined up, and reviewing one of his most recent losses. As it always did, their debate grew heated, but without any bite. They didn’t yell, as though they were both too busy savoring the moment to really dedicate any energy into a full-on argument.

When they finished their teas, Shindou was surprisingly careful again, gathering their cups and picking up the tray. He shrugged as he stood.

“You should get ready for bed. I’ll put everything away and clean it, don’t worry.”

When Shindou stepped out of the room, concern ran through Touya. He wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do next, wasn’t sure how to navigate what was happening between them, but now that he’d kissed him, he wanted more. He wanted that again. He didn’t want Shindou to leave without another kiss. Determined, he steeled himself when Shindou came back to the room.

“I should probably head out. It’s getting late.”

“It is.” Touya agreed. “That would be wise. But I don’t think you should go.”

Shindou nodded, seemingly agreeing with him until his head jolted up. 

“You don’t?” His dark eyes turned intense when he looked back over at Touya. The look went straight through him, along with a wave of want. He was getting more comfortable with the way his body was reacting around Shindou. Not relaxed, exactly, but the attraction wasn’t catching him off-guard as much as it had before.

“What do you think I should do?”

Touya sucked in another quick breath for courage, and said: “I think you should kiss me.”

This time, Touya saw the visible shiver that went through Shindou. He was just as affected as Touya was. The knowledge was empowering.

Without another word, Shindou stepped over, lifted a hand to tangle in his hair, then took Touya’s lips with his.

The kiss was familiar, even though they’d only shared their first one mere hours ago. But here in the privacy of Touya’s home, there was a new intensity to it that was almost frightening. When Shindou pulled back to look at him with his dark eyes, they were wide and deep. "Can I touch you?”

The words made Touya blush, and the fact that Shindou had the nerves and the boldness to actually make such a request unnerved him. He didn’t seem half as awkward as Touya and that wasn’t fair. But the need within Touya was such that he nodded automatically. Before he could change his mind, Shindou took his lips again with a scorching kiss that nearly made him moan as he backed the two of them closer to Touya’s bed.

The first he felt was a light touch at his back, where Shindou’s hand slipped under his shirt and slid up the skin of his back, leaving a trail of heat in its wake. Touya was now uncomfortably aroused, the only thing sparing his humiliation the fact that he could feel Shindou hard against him also. When a second hand joined the first exploring the span of his back, Touya moaned into the kiss and Shindou pulled him even closer so they were pressed together shoulder to hip.

There was no doubting Shindou’s sincerity then. At his continued boldness, Touya began to gradually relax, his hands traveling up Shindou’s arms and chest, exploring his neck and moving to his back. At certain spots, like the edge of his hip and the spot where his neck met his shoulder, Shindou tensed and his breathing grew harsher. Touya savored the reactions and filed them away in his mind like precious treasures.

Shindou backed Touya against the bed so he was forced to sit, then sat awkwardly beside him, leaning over to never break the kiss.

Though his hands had not stopped caressing and tormenting Touya’s skin beneath his shirt, he made no effort to take off his clothing. Touya was grateful for that, fear pounding through his veins along with the dizzying excitement overtaking him. Until Shindou’s hands moved around to his hips.

A spike of fear hit him like ice water when Shindou’s hot, large hands moved to his waistband and began very slowly undoing the first button.

“Shindou…I don’t—”

“Call me Hikaru.”

Shindou's hand fell away from him then, eyes determined in the way Touya was used to over a go game when their eyes met. Waiting. 

He could do this. He wouldn’t back down from a challenge.

“Hikaru.” It felt so strangely intimate, but the satisfied smile it produced made it more than worthwhile. He almost wanted to say it again, to touch his face and savor the edges and contours that made up the handsome, sexy grin Hikaru hardly ever wore.

Touya had made him smile like that. The thought was invigorating.

“Can I touch you?” The same question as earlier, but with his proximity and the heat swirling off him towards Touya, it was so much more powerful and disarming.

This was so new, so unfamiliar. He didn’t know the rules, he couldn’t strategize. And he wanted to win. However romantic relationships worked, Touya wanted it to succeed, wanted to get the most out of it and keep the smile on Hikaru’s face, to do well in whatever way a couple possibly could. If only he knew how. Instead, he was a bundle of nerves pulled taut like an elastic band stretched thin. On edge. He had never been one for physical touch, his family caring but distant for most of his life. Now that Hikaru was touching him, he was like a man starved, his body craving more of the incredible warmth and closeness Hikaru was offering. He wanted to plan moves ahead, to see where each action might take him and make the best choice, but he was at a loss. And yet again, Hikaru’s spontaneity startled and fascinated him all at once, just like the first moment they’d met.

“Have you done this before?”

Hikaru turned bashful and looked away. “Yes. I kissed a girl, once. But nothing more than that. I didn’t like it.”

“Ah.” And suddenly Touya was back to jealousy again, jealous of this unknown female who’d taken Hikaru’s first kiss way from him. Never mind the fact that it had helped Hikaru figure out his feelings.

“With you it’s different. I like this a lot. I like you a lot. And, well…” One hand flew up to scratch at the back of his neck, the way it always did when he was nervous.

And just like that, some of Touya’s fear began to dissipate. This was new and unfamiliar for both of them, but he knew Hikaru. He could still read him, could still tell when he was upset, or nervous, or holding something back. He could strategize based on Hikaru’s reactions for the best possible outcome for the both of them.

“Well?”

With a decisive inhale, Hikaru let his hand fall away back to Touya’s waist and locked his gaze directly with his. “I’ve wanted to do this for a while now.”

Completely disarmed, Touya swallowed harshly as a sharp wave of lust shot through him at the look in his eyes.

“Of course, if you need to stop, we can wait…”

“I don’t want to stop.” It was Hikaru’s turn to look surprised.

After the confusion and mixed emotions of the last few days and then Hikaru’s daring tonight, he couldn’t resist. He wouldn’t let Hikaru be the only one who took such bold steps. If he was brave enough to try this, and to want this, then Touya could be too.

The sexy smile was back as Hikaru’s lips found his again, in a kiss that tantalized while his fingers found their place once again at his waistband. But this time, Touya let himself take what he wanted, hands roaming under Hikaru’s loose t-shirt to explore the muscles and skin of his chest and pulling him close. Hikaru didn’t hide his appreciation of it either, his breaths shallowing and a groan escaping between kisses as his lips made their way across Touya’s chin and down to the long line of his neck.

Touya gasped when Hikaru nibbled at the sensitive skin below his ear while his hands worked on the zipper at his fly. When the knuckles of his hand brushed against him through the fabric of his boxers, Touya couldn’t hold back a quiet moan. “Hikaru…”

Hikaru’s lips were right next to his ear when his low voice sent a thrill down his spine: “Akira, I never knew you tasted so good.” In support of his words, his tongue trailed down the side of his neck, making Akira reach out and grab the wrist at his groin, whether to push him away or hold him close he didn’t dare say.

With another heated glance between them, Hikaru checking to make sure he was still okay with everything, he slipped his hand beneath the waistband of Akira’s boxers and wrapped it firmly around his length.

Akira let out a little shriek at the shocking new sensation. Embarrassed but undefeated, he pulled Hikaru in for another kiss, tongues tangling as his hand sought out Hikaru’s length through his jeans.

Hikaru’s hand began to move, drawing down his length and then back again in such an incredible rush of sensation Akira broke out in a cold sweat.

The new, incredible feeling of Hikaru touching him and pleasuring him was unlike anything he’d ever known, stealing the air from his lungs until he could only pant and groan as he fought not to buck in his grasp. Hikaru pressed his clothes-covered length against Akira’s hand, letting out a little sigh of pleasure that spurred Akira onwards.

“How does it feel? Good?” Now Hikaru was worrying Akira's earlobe with his tongue and his hand was driving him crazy. The erotic dreams where Akira had brought himself to completion had been intense but that was nothing compared to how Hikaru’s hand felt on him caressing him and driving him closer to the brink.

Impossible. How did Hikaru stay so calm through all of it? “Yes.” The words were a gasp.

Hikaru picked up the pace when Akira, not intending to be left behind, pushed down Hikaru’s pants and took him in hand. The way Hikaru grunted his name at the touch would be forever ingrained in his mind.

The two remained locked together like that, side by side, pleasuring each other at a slow, leisurely pace while they kissed and caressed each other. When they broke off for air at the last kiss, a whimper escaped Akira’s lips that made him flush in embarrassment. Shindou didn’t react.

When their eyes met, the playful, mischievous expression Akira knew well was mixed with a dark, mature lust that was new and thrilling. “Will you let me try something else?”

“What?”

Rather than explain, Hikaru pulled his hand away, moving back from Akira and kneeling on the floor between his legs.

Oh god. He wasn’t thinking about…. “Hikaru, you can’t—AAHHH” his words became a long, drawn out moan when Hikaru boldly took his cock into his mouth. Little wordless protests fell from his lips as his hands grasped for purchase, clenching in the sheets beside him while Hikaru licked up and down his length.

To make matters worse, in between licks, Hikaru’s deep, husky voice rumbled along his length: “I wanted to do this for so long…”

“No…” Again, Akira tried to push him away and take back control of the situation, but he could do nothing but melt and moan as Hikaru’s incredible mouth sucked him. One of Hikaru’s hands was wrapped around the base of his dick, pumping in time with his mouth. It was too much, he would come too soon, embarrassingly quickly. He couldn’t let Hikaru undo him so quickly when he was so far behind. The sensations were too intense, too overwhelming to fight. Akira tried to think of something unsexy, running through his mind trying to calm the raging tide but nothing would put Hikaru from his mind. Nothing could dampen the feel of Hikaru’s mouth and hand eagerly pleasuring him so beautifully and desperately.

“Ungh..” A jolt of electricity ran through Akira like a live wire when Hikaru groaned against him, the sound rolling through his body and vibrating along his length.

When he looked down, the sight toppled him over the edge. Hikaru’s free hand was down his pants, gripping his own length as he masturbated to the pace of his hand and mouth against Akira.

God, that image would stay with him forever.

“Hikaru, don’t…I can't-” He tried to push him away in time but didn’t quite make it. The intense waves of pleasure crested and fell, washing through Akira with a violent cry as he came against Hikaru’s mouth. Hikaru had partially pulled away, so his come hit his face and chin, as well as the carpet.

Hikaru didn’t seem upset. If anything, he pumped his hand harder along his own length. Akira wanted to be ashamed, but he couldn’t reach that feeling through the layers of dazed pleasure that were drowning him currently. Instead, he folded over himself, sliding down to the ground on his knees beside Hikaru and taking his lips with his.

Hikaru groaned into the kiss, a curse slipping between their lips when Akira’s hand wrapped around his and helped work up and down Hikaru’s length.

The situation was so blatantly sexual and outside the realm of anything Akira had ever experienced, and it was the hottest and most wonderful thing he’d known in his whole life. He wanted more of it, all of it, so when Hikaru’s pace increased, so close to the edge, Akira pulled his lips away from his and slid them down Hikaru’s neck, to one of the spots he’d found earlier that had made Hikaru shiver.

When he bit down on the vulnerable spot in question, Hikaru gasped and rolled his hips against Akira’s hand, coming with a cry and several thrusts against him. Akira’s hand was sticky when he pulled it away.

Hikaru leaned sideways against the bed, and Akira followed. The two were still breathing heavily, still working to process everything they’d felt. When they could move again, Akira lifted a hand to Hikaru’s face, brushing away the come there with all the embarrassment that had now found its way to his cheeks.

Hikaru leaned his face in close to Akira’s, clearly undisturbed by that. His eyes fluttered closed then back open again, the intensity there still sending a shiver through him, and he tangled his fingers in Akira’s hair.

“That was… the hottest thing ever.”

Akira wasn’t one to agree with Hikaru on most things, at least not out loud, but he couldn’t find the energy to dispute such a valid statement. “Yeah.”

They sat in companionable silence, half-undressed and undoubtedly looking ridiculous, until Akira had to move, unfolding his knees to work out a cramp. The movement seemed to break Hikaru from his pleasurable fog. He stood up, but he didn’t move to leave.

“Now you really should rest.”

“We should get everything… cleaned up.”

When he dared to look at Hikaru’s eyes, the grin was back, a smugness there Akira would normally want to wipe away with a crushing defeat. But not this time.

“Yeah. Would it be…. okay, if I crashed here tonight?” Hikaru’s hand was back at his neck. “I promise I’ll let you have space so you can get enough sleep. I can sleep on the extra futon in the other room.”

“What if that’s not what I want?”

And just like that, despite everything new they’d experienced, everything unfamiliar about the change in their relationship, the look glittering in his eyes was pure Hikaru. A look of challenge, and it set a feeling of excited expectation running through Akira. They were lovers now, and rivals forever. Everything had changed, and yet everything was still the same.

“Then maybe I’ll take back that promise.”

What a difference a week made.


End file.
